Rage!

Rage! I feel it! A burning sensation in my chest that is bubbling up my throat ready to be expressed in words that can only surf on fits of rage. The fire rages; an inferno from within that desires to grow and engulf everything around me. I want to set things on fire. I want to cause damage. I want to break something. I want to transfer my pain and change the invisible emotion to something tangible; something I can hit back; something I can attack. I need to express that I am not as helpless and weak as I feel; as the cause of this rage has exposed me to be. I need to be back in control; to show that I am still at the reigns of my life.

That’s just it isn’t it? Control. A loss of control results in rage and rage results in loss of control. Ironically we use rage in an attempt to regain control or at least feign control; exhibit an image of control. Think about it, when was the last time you were enraged? What had happened? Were you betrayed? Assaulted? Robbed? I was conned! A serious con, I actually just found out about two hours ago. So now a few drafts later, am calm enough to make sense of it. The con set my sense of control in turmoil. Panic dangerously mixed with notions of revenge welled up inside me, drowning my soul in bitterness and anxiety. Disbelief of my folly and regret of my actions had me knocking at the doors to depression. All this negative energy in motion (emotions) inside me blended together ready for ignition. All I needed was a detonator for the dynamite. The proverbial last straw. In this I noticed the gunpowder residue from unresolved anger collecting around this new sticky bomb readying itself to share the pain. All I needed was one fool to step on my toe; one sap to take my anger out on and an audience to watch the fireworks; to see me back in control.

We all have our own special ways of disarming the explosive. Anger Management. Goosfrabba, Unagi. Whatever helps you sleep at night. This was a big one, so I needed a cocktail. I spoke to someone I loved, let her make me smile. Then texted with another person who loved me. That cooled the hateful intentions replacing it with love. Then locked myself indoors to cut off possible contact with detonators and exposure to catalysts. I turned to Adele and John Mayer for some perspective. Angry Birds to vent out some steam. When the fire breath welled up in my throat had cooled down and I had painfull swallowed the urchin words I had wanted spit, I inked up my pen. Writing always releases my emotions. Expressing yourself in words helps the emotions leave your mind in peace. I will crown it with some cold milk chocolate drink and a violent movie. A happy movie would do good but am not quite there yet. Hot chocolate would be better but its summer and am in a coastal town. Hmm, I’ll go try the view of the sea, I heard it has healing properties. Yeah, the view is magical, the peace and quiet makes my issues seem so trivial. Still, I am a city boy and too much silence freaks me out. So bring the noise! I have been saving my copy of ‘The Mechanic’ for a moment like this!