All Or Nothing

So I tried my hand at extreme sports. A lot of you would just call it sport, but it was pretty extreme for me! Canyoning, that’s what they called it. You basically climb up a mountain using the walk-able side, then adventure down the steep side by way the canyon cut by a river. This descent is made in a series of what they call, slides, jumps and drops. Its quite simple really, on the slides, you find a slippery rock and lie on your back as the water pushes you down over the edge into a mildly deep pool. Jumps have you throw yourself off a rock or cliff into a deep pool. Drops are more interesting, you get to use the safety gear. A rope is tied to your harness and you scale down a waterfall like a true mountaineer. To me, that sounded extremly extreme. I was the only African in the crowd and believe me when I say very few of us do stuff like that for fun. I wanted to be among the number.

It was pretty cool once I got the hang of it. Actually it was more thrilling than I expected. I found myself wondering why I didn’t get out more. All those hours I had wasted on computer games when I could be this good at crazy… sorry extreme sports. My mind had conveniently editted out the part that the bulk of my group was doing this for the first time and the guides had chosen the simplest of trails.  It was all smooth sailing, I had one of those gold medalist smiles on my face because I was keeping pace with the tougher guys in the group, the ‘menly men’.

I really thought I was a natural. The guides had mapped out the trail such that it got more exciting as we went and led us on to a climax. It was meant to build our confidence or psyche or morale or whatever was motivating us in preparation for the final jump. I had no idea! My legs had been rather shaky on the previous jump. It had been the highest point I had ever jumped from and the rock was not so easy to clear. I was breathing easy because I thought the worst was over and I was acting all tough and nonchalant. I think everyone heard the splash as my heart cannonballed into my belly  when the guide brought us to the edge of the cliff that would be the final jump. It was more than twice as high as the previous one and over looked the valley down below. There was an option to slide down the less scary side but my mind was still in control of the mouth, still in that manly man mood and I had said I would jump. When I stood there, at the edge of the highest rock I had ever been on, I knew I wanted to take the leap, but my heart weighed anchor. My feet developed roots and drilled into the rock with utmost tenacity and the rest of me froze. My body had had enough. Logic and reason was clear, the jump was safe and since the others could do it, I could too. Unfortunately my body wouldn’t give in. There was a revolt launched that required all my components to stand still until my mind realized persistence was futile. I compromised, took the slide down then tried again for the jump.

There are many battles that we fight. No matter how many things you are good at, there are some things that are beyond you. Defeat often means, come back when you are ready, try again later. Sometimes there is no second chance, defeat means work harder on the next thing. Sometimes defeat means, this is not for you. I couldn’t make the jump no matter how simple it seemed. One friend said I just wasn’t ready for it, another said it was much harder than it seemed. I still don’t know why I couldn’t overcome that fear. I am not disappointed in myself or ashamed, I learnt something up there. I learnt the smell and taste of my fear, a fear I can overcome and when I am faced with it again, in any other sphere, I know that I will face it and battle. Whether I come out victorious or not, is another story, all I know is I will give it all I got. We all have fears, though I didn’t overcome, I’m glad I faced one of mine. 

The way I see it, if you keep facing your fears, over and over again, you stop being afraid of them and then you start winning some battles and before you know it, you have overcome completely.